Intro
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[Verse 1]
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In the laid back California town of sunny San Raphael
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Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake you probably knew her well
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She'd been stoned fifteen of her eighteen years and the story was widely told
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That she could smoke 'em faster than anyone could roll
[Verse 2]
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Her legend finally reached New York that Grove Street walk-up flat
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Where dwelt The Calistoga Kid a beatnik from the past
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With long browned lightnin' fingers he takes a cultured toke
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And says "Hell I can roll 'em faster, Jim, than any chick can smoke"
[Verse 3]
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So a note gets sent to San Raphael for the Championship of the World
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The Kid demands a smoke off "Well bring him on! Says Pearl
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"I'll grind his fingers off his hands he'll roll until he drops"
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Says Calistog "I'll smoke that chick till she blows up and pops"
[Verse 4]
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So they rent out Yankee Stadium and the word is quickly spread
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Come one come all who walk or crawl price just two lids a head
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So from every town and hamlet over land and sea they speed
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The world's greatest dopers with the Worlds greatest weed
[Verse 5]
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Hashishers from Morocco, hemp smokers from Peru
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And the Shamnicks from Bagun who puff the deadly Pugaroo
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And those who call it Light of Life and those that call it boo
[Interlude]
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[Verse 6]
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See the dealers and their ladies wearing turquoise lace and leather
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See the narcos and the closet smokers puffin all together
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From the teenies who smoke legal to the ones who've done some time
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To the old man who smoked reefer back before it was a crime
[Verse 7]
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And the grand old house that Ruth built is filled with the smoke and cries
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Of fifty thousand screaming heads all stoned out of their minds
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And they play the national anthem and the crowd lets out a roar
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As the spotlight hits The Kid and Pearl ready for their smokin' war
[Verse 8]
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At a table piled up high with grass as high as a mountain peak
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Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers not one stem, branch or seed
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Maui Wowie Panama Red and Acapulco Gold
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Kif from East Afghanistan and rare Alaskan Cold
[Verse 9]
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Sticks from Thailand Ganja from the Islands and Bangkok's Bloomin' Best
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And some of that wet imported shit that capsized off Key West
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Oaxacan tops and Kenya Bhang and Riviera Fleurs
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And that rare Manhatten Silver that grows down in the New York sewers
[Verse 10]
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And there's bubblin' ice cold lemonade and sweet grapes by the bunches
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And there's Hersheys bars and Oreos incase anybody gets the munchies
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And the Calistoga Kid he sneers and Pearley she just grins
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And the drums roll low and the crowd yells go and the worlds first Smoke Off begins
[Interlude]
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[Verse 11]
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Kid flicks his magic fingers once and zap that first joints rolled
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Pearl takes one drag with her mighty lungs and woosh that roach is cold
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Then The Kid he rolls his Super Bomb that'd paralyze a moose
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And Pearly takes one super hit and slurp that bomb's defused
[Verse 12]
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Then he rolls three in just ten seconds and she smokes 'em up in nine
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And everybody sits back and says "this just might take some time"
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See the blur of flyin fingers see the red coal burnin bright
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As the night turns into mornin and the mornin fades to night
[Verse 13]
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And the autumn turns to summer and a whole damn year is gone
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But the two still sit on that roach-filled stage smokin' and rollin' on
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With tremblin hands he rolls his jays with fingers blue and stiff
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She coughs and stares with bloodshot gaze and puffs through blistered lips
[Interlude]
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[Verse 14]
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And as she reaches out her hand for another stick of gold
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The Kid he gasps "Goddamn it, bitch! There's nothin' left to roll!"
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"Nothin left to roll?!" screams Pearl, "Is this some twisted joke?
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I didn't come here to fuck around man I come here to smoke"
[Verse 15]
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And she reaches cross the table and grabs his bony sleeves
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And she crumbles his body between her hands like dried and brittle leaves
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Flickin' out his teeth and bones like useless stems and seeds
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And then she rolls him in a Zig Zag and lights him like a roach
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And the fastest man with the fastest hands goes up in a puff of smoke
[Interlude]
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[Verse 16]
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In the laid-back California town of sunny San Raphael
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Lives a girl named Pearly Sweetcake you probly know her well
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She's been stoned twenty-one of her twenty-four years and the storys widely told
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How she still can smoke 'em faster than anyone can roll
[Verse 17]
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While off in New York City on a street that has no name
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There's the hands of the Calistoga Kid in the Viper Hall of Fame
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And underneath his fingers there's a little golden scroll
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That says "Beware of Bein' the Roller When There's Nothin' Left to Roll"
[Outro]
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